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BFF to BF… BS

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Tiffany writes:

Dear Deviled Angel,

My best friend of 10 years recently told me he’s in love with me and wants us to try dating.  He’s a great guy and it would be great except that since I’m his best friend I know everything about him.. including the fact that he used to fool around with men.  Granted this was years ago but I personally believe that if a guy fools around with another guy he’s simply gay.  I don’t want to bring it up and have him think I’m using what he’s told me in confidence against him or worse judging him.  It’s a deal breaker but how do I say that to him without losing his trust.

DEVIL’S RESPONSE:

You can tell him the truth indirectly using finger puppets.  You’ll need a Boy Finger Puppet (BFP) and a Girl Finger Puppet (GFP) and use the following script (be sure to use a low voice for the boy and high voice for the girl):

BFP: I really like you.  We should date.

GFP: No, because you’ve tasted man-candy and you’re gay.

BFP:  Aw shucks.

GFP: Don’t worry we can still be friends and I won’t judge you.  Yaaaaayyy!!!

 

ANGEL’S RESPONSE:

Who says you have to bring up his past history at all?  If you do bring it up you risk starting a defensive and unnecessary argument.  Start off with the positive:  Tell your friend how much his friendship means to you and that the last thing you want is to lose it;  but dating is just not the kind of relationship you want from him.  And leave it at that.  Should he press you for a reason just tell him you don’t feel the same way.  Then go grab a burger to lighten the mood.

Nania Business

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Nania writes:

Dear Deviled Angel,

There’s a lady in my neighborhood who thinks it’s a good idea to sit in her car in the mornings and give herself a full, old-fashioned straight-razor shave:  I mean bowl, soapy water, towel and everything.  Besides it being terribly odd it’s also confusing to my little girl whom I walk to the bus stop in the mornings.  The lady’s car is usually parked on the street so she’s in plain view.  My little girl asked me the other day if she would have to shave when she gets bigger!  I feel I should say something.  But what? Please advise.

DEVIL’S RESPONSE:

You can march right up to that lady’s car window and pull a Nancy-Grace-saves-the-neighborhood-kids-from-absolutely-nothing stunt if  you want to! But my hunch is that shortly after that your daughter’s new question will be, “Mommy, will I look like The Joker when I get older too?” Because best believe that any broad who has the balls to sit out in broad daylight and straight-raze herself… WILL.  CUT.  YOU.   #MissCelie

ANGEL’S RESPONSE:

You sound like a bit of a mean girl.  You have no idea what the lady’s experience is.  Her car could be the only place she doesn’t feel embarrassed to shave.. It’s no different than walking past someone’s window and seeing something unsightly.  You choose whether or not to look.  The fact of the matter is that we share this world with all kinds of people and tolerance is just as important as communication.  Tolerate the lady’s behavior for the sake of being neighborly and communicate with your daughter that it’s no big deal.  Honestly this lady is hurting no one:  she’s not nude, she’s not being belligerent or disturbing the peace (though you seem anxious to disturb hers), she’s on/in her own her own property and she did not invite you or your little girl to watch her or pass judgement.  So don’t.

Aw Shit, Shinobi!!!!!

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Shinobi writes:

Dear Deviled Angel,

Let me say 1st that I’ve been single for quite a while so I never take a guy for granted.  I met a guy who was handsome-ish who asked me out on a date.  He took me to a nice restaurant and we were having lovely conversation until I noticed as he was gesticulating with his hands that he was missing his thumb on his right hand!!  Now of course I didn’t want to be rude but my eyes were glued to that nub the whole time he was talking and moving his hands around.  I just couldn’t help it!  I guess he noticed me looking at the nub instead of him because he put his hands in his lap.  After a few more moments of awkward conversation.  He says, “Did I ever tell you I lost my thumb in an accident?”  Then (my stomach is turning even as I replay this in my head) he pulls his nubby hand out and wiggles it around on the table right in front of me all while giving me this intense creepy stare and goes, “RAAAAHHHHHH  LOOK AT THAT!!!  IT’S WEIRD, HUH????!!!!  RAAAAAAHHHH!!!!”  Oh..My..GOD!  I felt like I was on a date with somebody’s creepy grandpa!  I was soooo done!  The whole rest of the date was awkward and when he walked me to my car I offered a hug because I felt bad.  But when he pulled away, held me by my waist with one hand and then did that motion where you tap your lips for a kiss but he did it SUPER awkward:  He scrunched up his shoulders, squinted his eyes, was shaking and tapping his lips very rapidly and repeatedly.  I couldnt’ hide the disgust on my face as I said, “Next time..”, pushed him away,  jumped in my car and drove off like I was in a car chase.  It was  a reeeeeally bad 1st date.  Am I shallow for not wanting to give him another chance?  Am I telling the universe that I don’t want a man by not exploring the possibilities of what it sends me?  Am I a bitch for not even returning his calls?

DEVIL’S RESPONSE:

Aw shit, Shinobi!!!  I don’t see how you even stayed on that date after the “attack of the gimpy claw”!  If he was trying to scare you I would have obliged his ass and got up running and screaming out of the restaurant.  You went above and beyond exploration of possibility when you finished that frickin’ date!  Maybe you are shallow and maybe you are a bitch but think about it:  you’re out at the park with Big Daddy One-Thumb holding hands and your thumb is hanging in the wind cuz it doesn’t have a digit to lock onto… is that fair to your thumb?…I. Think. Not.  I’d take the shallow bitch scenario over that any day.

ANGEL’S RESPONSE:

Obviously there’s still quite a bit of insecurity surrounding his missing digit or else his reaction to you noticing it would not have been so extreme.  And the “palsy” at the end with the whole kiss thing sounds like immaturity.  A real man would either simply ask for a kiss or go in for it and accept the response from the girl either way.  So choosing not to date a man with obvious insecurity and immaturity is not shallow at all.  You gave him a shot.  He blew it.  End of story.

CHAAARRRGE!!!

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Happy 2013 to all of our followers!

We would like to thank all of our loyal readers, subscribers and fans who keep this blog up and running (Suckers!)!  Because of your loyalty we have had 3 successful years of blogging, advising and providing Laugh-Out-Loud entertainment (funny.. I kinda thought it was because we were over here working our ASSES OFF!).

Everybody knows the Devil can be a little out-of-pocket with his advice (hmmm…yet they keep coming baaack…) .  But hey, that’s the fun of it (no I’M the fun of it.. you’re uptight!)!  And that’s why we have the Angel to counterbalance (F&%$ you Ms. High-And-Mighty)

For 2013 we make this pledge to our loyal supporters (word is bond, yo!):

The Deviled Angel will never stop (though we are fans of hiatus).

The Deviled Angel will not succumb to any pressures to taper or otherwise revise it’s opinions, blog entries, language or advice (yeah so shut your pie-hole!).

The Deviled Angel has a responsibility to itself as a corporation and team to advise at it sees fit (we’ll say whatever the Eff we want to);  and to provide entertainment for all who enjoy reading our blog (talk about cheap dates).

We here at The Deviled Angel Inc. sincerely invite anyone who does not like the content of this blog to discontinue reading it (Just pretend you walked in on your parents and shut the damn door!).

Finally, folks remember this is entertainment (is that what the kids are calling it these days?).  And this is just one of many avenues (feel free to take a hike if you don’t like this one…pun intended)!  If you like our content keep stopping by.  If not we wish you all the best (kill yourself).  But the “Bitching and Moaning” office is hereby closed indefinitely (…  …)!

**NOTE: The views and opinions expressed in parenthesis are not the views of the Angel** (yeah…bite me!)

Photo STOP

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Elaina writes:

Dear Deviled Angel,

About 5 years ago I went to visit my mother for Thanksgiving.  She generally has quite a house full and everyone just cozies up and has a great time.  I had been sick most of the year and was looking forward to being with family because I knew it would make me feel better. Well a distant cousin came to Thanksgiving and just would NOT stop taking pictures and video of me.  I was so uncomfortable! Everytime I turned around there was a camera shoved in my face.  I couldn’t relax and I did not enjoy my holiday. She made me feel completely violated in what was supposed to be a safe space.  She was even hiding around corners and would jump out with a camera and surprise me on my way to or from the bathroom in the morning.  Beyond the fact that she captured me at my most unflattering moments was the fact that she was acting like the F*%$!#@ paparazzi.  I didn’t want to be rude to her in my mother’s house but it has really bothered me a lot over the past 5 years to the point where I do not want to stay at my mother’s house during Thanksgiving because I never know who’s going to be there or if I’ll be violated like Alison violated me. I also don’t pose for photos or allow people to video me.  I recently told my mother about this but is it worth writing a letter to the offender?

DEVIL’S RESPONSE:

1st off your cousin sounds like a creepy ass stalker!!  Let’s just get that out of the way.  But to answer your question:  What’s the point now?!  Why do people always wait until way after the fact to bring sh*t up??  That is so annoying!—  YES write her a letter and tell her that she violated you 5 years ago by acting like some child predator with a camera.  She’ll either apologize or laugh her ass off.

ANGEL’S RESPONSE:

Well I think you just did..  You could perhaps post this specific blog somewhere and refer her to it.  But at this point it’s been 5 years.  Let by-gones be by-gones.  During the holidays people take pictures.  It sounds like she went waaaay overboard and I’m not sure the exact reason why but it’s not totally abnormal to have more photos taken of you during the holidays.  Because she is family at some point you will see her again.  And given her obsessive nature she will probably want to take photos with you again.  That would be the perfect opportunity to decline and let her know the reason why.

Pomp and Shady Circumstance

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Poncey Writes:

Dear Deviled Angel,

I’m a minister.  Kathy, an acquaintance of mine recently reached out to me for a recommendation letter for Christian Boarding school for her daughter.  I agreed to write the letter but have been really busy and haven’t had time this whole week to take care of it.  Kathy called and asked me to get the letter to her within the next 2 days and told me that she really wanted to get her daughter into the school because her daughter has been very promiscuous and thought her daughter may be pregnant.  She wanted to get her daughter enrolled in this school so her daughter would have a chance at getting into a good college.  Kathy knows the school upholds strict Christian values and feels that now while she’s not sure if her daughter is pregnant is the time to send in the letter that way her conscious is clear.  The problem is that as a minister I also uphold strict Christian values and knowing this new information puts me in an awkward position.  I now do not want to write the letter.  But at this point because I’ve waited so long she has not other alternatives.

DEVIL’S RESPONSE:

Very simple, Pastor.  If you waited until the last minute you owe her a letter.  Send the following letter and Kathy can decide if she wants to use it or not:

Dear Sir/Madam,

I am writing to recommend that you admit (whatever the little ‘ho’s name is here) to your school.  Unfortunately her mother did not inform me that the little heifer might be pregnant until I’d already agreed to write the letter to you all (she’ll burn for that).  But what better way to learn about resisting temptation than to have Jezebel herself present in every class as a reminder of what going down the wrong path looks like.  As a minister I do not condone un-Saintly behavior but if the actions of one can be used as an example to save the masses I believe it’s worth the price of admission.  Don’t you agree?

In Jesus’ name,

Pastor Poncey

ANGEL’S RESPONSE:

As a minister you are expected to uphold certain standards.  Kathy should understand this even if she’s  not very religious.  Explain to her that as a man leading a flock everything you do is watched closely as you are constantly setting an example for your congregation.  Tell her that knowing this new bit of information puts you in a very awkward position and that you simply cannot endorse someone’s admission into a school with the knowledge that they have already broken the rules.  On her end the promiscuity and possible pregnancy was something she should have brought up when she first asked you to write the letter not 2 days before she expected it back.  So not having any alternatives at this point is more her fault than yours.  She should never have put you in this position in the first place.

Shawshank Revenge

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Solomon writes:

Dear Deviled Angel,

Man, my girl is trippin man.  I tell her my needs sexually and she don’t fulfill it.  Sometime I have to force it.  She get mad at me but may[be] 2 – 3 days she get over herself and everythings ok.  Normally if I force it she don’t fight me on it.  But last time she say no and I force it she fight me on it.  So this time [was] moreso physical than usual.  I feel bad after.  I don’t want to hurt her.  She normally don’t fight me and this time she fight me.  Now she not talking to me.  Normally 2-3 days this time 2 weeks.  I send her flowers and still nothing.  I call and leave message apologize for hit her.  She not responding man!

DEVIL’S RESPONSE:

Ummm…  … W.O.W.!!!! Ok we in America call that RAPE and she’s probably not speaking to you because she finally got tired of being raped, wised up and left your criminal ass!  You are what we call an ASSHOLE who we hope winds up spending the rest of his life getting ASS-RAPED in jail by someone who is strong enough to overpower you.  You need to know how that feels.  And I hope you get to know over and over and over and over again! #ShawshankRedemptionStyle.  If she were writing in instead of you my advice to her would be to call 911 and have your dumb rapist ass hauled off to jail.  Do not pass “GO”; do not collect $200.00; but go straight to jail!!!  But since she didn’t and you were stupid enough to admit that shit then hopefully you’re stupid enough to take the following advice:  KILL YOURSELF!

ANGEL’S RESPONSE:

You should truly be ashamed of yourself.  There’s just no way around it.  What you did was extremely wrong and your writing in may be a subconscious cry for deeper help not just a request for advice.  Nowhere and in no way is what you did ok.  You do NOT force yourself on anyone else (man, woman, child, elder).  When you hear the word “NO” it should be a trigger in your mind to stop.  No matter how strong your “needs” are or how much you desire a person: NO means NO.  And if you’re from another country whatever word translates to NO means NO!!  If she has not reported you to the authorities (which for her sake, your sake and the sake of any other women you may be a danger to) you should definitely turn yourself in.  Then ask for help.  You obviously do not make good choices and this is a serious problem especially since your bad choices affect other people negatively.  There are licensed, trained therapists, counselors and treatment centers in every city and you should find one to accommodate your specific issues and get the help you so desperately need.

Mom-ic

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Helen writes:

Dear Deviled Angel,

My mom and I have uncannily similar voices.  If she’s ever at my house and answers the phone she has to stop my friends before they reveal too much.  We’re also very close so we talk about everything.  Well I started dating a guy a few months ago and my mother simply doesn’t like him.  She doesn’t like the he doesn’t have a steady job and she thinks he’s not attractive enough for me.  Well we strongly disagree because I have no problems with him in these areas.  However it’s been a point of contention ever since I 1st told her about the guy.  Well I hadn’t heard from the guy in about a week and that wasn’t normal so I reached out to him asking if everything was ok and he was furious.  He told me that I said horrible things to him about being a deadbeat and unattractive and how I was too good for him.  And how dare I call him and try to act like that’s ok.  I was mortified because I immediately knew he’d called and that my mother had spoken to him pretending to be me!!!  I confronted my mother about it and she just shrugged it off and told me she was doing me a favor and that I would understand and thank her for it later.  I’m an adult woman!!!!!  She was so terribly wrong!!!  What do I do?

DEVIL’S RESPONSE:

Go to your mom’s house and tell her that you thought about it and decided she was right but that you still need some time to get over him and just need a change of scenery for a couple of days to do so.  Ask to stay with her.  She’ll understand.  Moms always do.  While you’re there call every one of her friends pretending to be her of course and tell them what fat, nasty bitches they are (even the men if she has male friends); how you’ve put up with the burden of their friendship long enough; and that you never want to speak to or see them again unless it’s at their funeral to make sure they’re dead.  Throw in a few curse words for good measure.  Once you’ve gotten through the list go to your mom and say, “Thanks so much for being there for me mom.  I feel so much better.”  Then go home.

You’re welcome.

ANGEL’S RESPONSE:

Your mother is definitely wrong on so many levels.  1)Pretending to be you could be considered a felony  2) You’re an adult woman and she crossed the line by making a decision for you when she knew for sure you felt the opposite way  3) Her shrugging it off is a sense of entitlement that some parent wrongly assume.  Ask her how it would feel if you carried out the scenario that the DEVIL suggested.  Let her know that you felt betrayed and hurt that she would go behind your back and do something like that and then set a boundary by not letting her answer your phone.  If she cares for you at all she will want to make things right and one very good way to do that is to call the guy you’re dating and have her confess to and apologize for what she did.

Mona writes:

Dear Deviled Angel,

My friend Fabio and I have been friends for 6 years.  When we 1st met we tried to date but I knew it wouldn’t work out when we tried to have sex and it was terrible to say the least.  He was small even though it was uncircumcised, it was all very mechanical and it honestly made me question his sexuality.  Definitely among the top 3 worst sexual experiences I’ve EVER had.  I didn’t hold it against him as a person but I knew he just wasn’t for me.  Over the years we’ve remained plutonic friends and hung out off and on.  He invited me to a big dinner party recently with some of his friends from Italy and as soon as I got there he’s all octopus-hands.  He’s kissing my cheek, my neck, touching my bottom and thighs.  He was obviously trying to make it seem like we were a couple and would say things to his friends in Italian and then grope me.  They were a bunch of old guys with pretty young girls who obviously were hired for the night.  I was trying not to cause a scene and politely remove his hands everytime he groped me.  But finally I just said, “ENOUGH!”  That’s when the evil Fabio-demon came out:  he said that I wasn’t saying that when he was fucking my brains out and told me that  he wasn’t going to pay for a girl who was being such a prude.  And he actually asked me for half the money to pay the bill!!  The next day he called to apologize but told me I was out of line for talking to him like that in front of his friends.  I felt no need to apologize and the damage to our friendship is irreparable.  Am I wrong here?

DEVIL’S RESPONSE:

Many down low homosexuals feel the need to put on airs around friends and family that expect them to be straight.  Perhaps he’s used to paying for sex the way his friends do to accomplish this and has fallen on hard times.  You know the economy is still upside down.  So  what do you do when you can’t afford your own?:  borrow from a friend.  He thought it was understood (even though he’s garbage in bed and probably gay) that you would play along.  WRONG-OLA!  So he felt the need to further prove that his hooded clitoris was actually an uncircumcised penis by getting all King Kong when you checked him like the bitch he truly is.  It’s just so sad…  But you can’t fight that battle for him.  Just send him a sweet text that says: “In the World of Today, It’s Ok to Be Gay.”  Pray for him and keep moving.  He gets a pink slip!

ANGEL’S RESPONSE:

This “friend” of yours doesn’t seem to have very much respect for women!  He seems to be caught up in the stereotypical Italian “machismo”.  You don’t want someone in your life that disrespects you just to gain the approval of his other friends.  An apology after the fact especially such a disingenuous one as “I’m sorry but you should be too” doesn’t deserve acceptance.  What happens next time you try to set boundaries with him?  A person like that is dangerous to your emotional health to say the least.  He also needs to see a therapist to work out his mommy issues:  generally people who have no respect for women have these issues.

 

“Single ___ Female”

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Johanna writes:

Dear Deviled Angel,

I met a girl in class about 2 weeks ago and she was funny and cool.  We hung out after class and were killing ourselves laughing.  So we hung out again the next day and before I knew it we’d hung out everyday that week.  When we weren’t hanging out we were texting.  After about a week it got to be a bit much for me since I normally don’t spend that much time with anybody.  Not even my boyfriend.  So I just kinda fell back a bit.  Here’s where it gets crazy.  She continued to text me and the texts started going from things like “Hey where’s my bestie?” to “WHY ARE YOU NOT ANSWERING ME??”.  What took the cake was someone called me and said she was a friend of Nedda’s (the creepy girl) from class and said Nedda told her to call me because she was worried about our friendship.  Is it just me or is it EXTREMELY creepy that this girl tried to have an intervention over a friendship that was only 2 weeks old?

DEVIL’S RESPONSE:

It ain’t just you, honey.  That sounds like some “Single (insert ethnicity here) Female” shit to me!  You need to tell somebody you know who lives close to you what’s going on in case homegirl shows up at your place looking just like you; busting your boyfriend in the eye with the silver heel of a stiletto and throwing your puppy out the window!

ANGEL’S RESPONSE:

Although it is natural for someone to feel a sense of abandonment when you establish a pattern and then suddenly veer from it the “red flag” on the play comes in with how Nedda’s handling her feelings.  In her mind perhaps she’s just being honest and letting you know how she really feels.  But it may come across to you as creepy or too intense.  The polite thing to do is tell her why you’ve chosen to take space from your friendship.  That may assuage some of her creepy behavior.  For her sake you also might want to tell her that the whole intervention and barrage of texts creeped you out.  She genuinely may not know that her behavior is stalker-esque.