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Hands Off!

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Felicia writes,

Dear Deviled Angel,

I love my boyfriend dearly.  I’m just not physically attracted to him anymore.  I love spending time with him, hanging out with him, talking to him; but everytime he comes near me for sex something inside me balls up.  I don’t want to lose him so I don’t want to break up but what do I do?  Should I suggest he sleep with someone else?

DEVIL’S RESPONSE:

Bitch, YES!!   Whether you suggest it or not if he’s smart he already is sleeping with someone else.. especially since he hasn’t left your frigid ass yet!  I don’t know why people think they can just keep someone around who thinks about sex at least twice an hour with some damn conversation!

ANGEL’S RESPONSE:

I have to say you may be being a bit selfish.  It sounds like you’re ready to be his friend and not his girlfriend.  Being his friend means that you can enjoy all the other benefits of a relationship without the expectation of physicality or sex…that is until he finds another girlfriend who shuts that right down.  If he can’t handle being just your friend that is a risk you’ll have to take.  But it’s not fair to hold him hostage if you’re not fully into the relationship (provided sex is important to him).

 

Piss-Drunk Pass

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Felicia writes:

Dear Deviled Angel,

I have a hopeless friend who’s often drunk and I really believe she has a serious drinking problem.  She’s a very aggressive person and I am seriously non-confrontational.  Well she came over to my house last week and of course was drunk.  I didn’t want her to come over but I was afraid to say no.  We were sitting on opposite sofas and suddenly she moves over to my sofa, moves my things from the cushion next to me and plops down.  Her breath was reeking of alcohol and I wanted to throw up.  She started talking about how she wanted to be a better friend to me then she tried to KISS me!  I leapt across the room and said, “NO”.  She started drunk-crying and apologizing and then she left.  We haven’t spoken since.  And I don’t want to be friends with her anymore.  What do I do?

DEVIL’S RESPONSE:

Call her and tell her you joined  a super right-winged Christian church, bought stock in Chic-Fil-A and are planning a move to the Bible Belt to become an evangelist … So unfortunately you can no longer be her friend.

ANGEL’S RESPONSE:

I say let sleeping dogs lie.  If you no longer wish to be her friend there’s no need to smooth things over.  You two haven’t spoken in a week so as long as she doesn’t reach out to you don’t reach out to her.  If she does reach out to you tap into that same power that found your voice to say “NO” when she made a pass at you and use it to explain that you feel uncomfortable being her friend.  Remember you have a right to decide who is in your life and who is not.  Having to deal with uncomfortable situations such as confrontation can be frightening but you have to decide if that moment of “stage fright” in confronting her is worth freeing yourself of a friendship in which you feel afraid to say how you feel and have to protect yourself physically from this person.  I would deal with the stage fright and get it over with.

Car Swap

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Brett writes,

Dear Deviled Angel,

My dad is furious because the storm knocked some of the branches off a tree by our house and it broke his rearview mirror off and destroyed his windshield.  He says until he gets it fixed he’s gonna take my car.  That is so NOT fair!  He says since he bought it the car belongs to him so he can take it whenever he wants.  I told him to move his car before the storm hit but he didn’t so why should I be punished for his mistake??

DEVIL’S RESPONSE:

His dumb ass shoulda moved his car whether you told him to or not.  Everyone in the entire earth knew the storm was coming.  It’s only been all over the news and the topic of conversation for a week now!  Especially since you live in an area where the storm was supposed to hit there’s no acceptable excuse for dumb-old-dad not knowing.  I say break your car’s windshield and your rear-view mirror and then ask, “Who’s car you gonna take now, dad??!!”

ANGEL’S RESPONSE:

Clearly you should not be punished for his mistake!  And if he gave you the car as a gift then it should belong to you, no backsies.  However if you are living in his home and the car is in his name there’s really nothing you can do about it but try to reason with him.  If that doesn’t work maybe you can try to help earn the money to get his car fixed or better earn the money to buy your own car in your name so you won’t have to deal with this situation again.

Storm’s ‘A-Brewin’

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Andy writes:

Dear Deviled Angel,

My friend Mondy and I were supposed to have a “storm party” and keep each other company during the big storm in NY and he backed out on me.  He said he decided to stay home.  But I called another friend of mine just to check on him and apparently Mondy’s over there!!  I’m so mad.  What a bitch!  How do I get him back for being such a prostitute??  I mean this could potentially be my last day on earth!!!

DEVIL’S RESPONSE:

You want to get him back for not wanting to be around you on what could potentially be your last day on earth.  Hmmm….  I’muna go with he probably won’t give a flying feck what you do because he doesn’t even want to be around you on what could potentially be your last day on earth.  Wow!  You must be REEEALLY annoying.

ANGEL’S RESPONSE:

First off let’s not be too dramatic.  Think positive.  You don’t know when your last day is gonna be.  But you don’t want to spend any amount of the time you do have with people who don’t care about you.  It’s fair for your friend not to have wanted to hang out with you.  Sometimes it’s like that.  No need to bitch about it.  Just accept it.  BUT he should have had the decency to tell you his change of plans.  That’s just rude.  When you survive the storm let him know how you feel.  If he feels bad and apologizes and if it was just an oversight  perhaps you can forgive him and move on— with the promise that he’ll consider your feelings more next time.  If he’s unconcerned or brushes it off perhaps you should find a new friend.

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Hotel Blues

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Agnes writes:

Dear Deviled Angel,

I’m staying at a very expensive hotel and the service simply isn’t up to par for the amount of money I am spending here.  I spoke to the manager here and got no satisfaction.  Who do I go to in order to make a splash in a big way and let them know this is not okay.

DEVIL’S RESPONSE:

Umm go to your bank and cancel that credit card payment!  That’ll make a splash!

ANGEL’S RESPONSE:

In this age of new media there are too many ways to make a splash.  There are web sites and blogs that specifically rank hotels where you can tell the world about your experience.  And of course there’s always the better business bureau.  But before doing any of that; if the hotel cares anything at all about it’s reputation I would just speak to the corporate offices.  I’m sure they can resolve whatever issues you have to your satisfaction.  Many people think they’ve hit a dead end when they go to a manager or a supervisor and many of the people in those positions want you to feel that way.  But just remember that unless the person is the CEO and/or actual sole owner of the company they have been hired by someone else and can be fired as well.  So find their boss and make your complaint.

When I Grow Up…

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A teacher asked her class, “What 3 people would you most like to emulate when you grow up?  Be specific, explain your answers, and find the underlying connection between the people you’ve chosen.”  One boy stood up and said, “I want to be like my preacher, my teacher and my counselor because they all help me be a better person”.  The teacher beamed with pride at his answer.  Another student got up and said, “I want to be like Thomas Edison, George Washington Carver and Henry Ford because they all made the world a better place with their inventions.”  ”Well done, Sam, that’s a very good answer!”  Several other students gave similar answers and the teacher was pleased with her thoughtful students.  Finally everyone in the class had answered except for a shy young lady in the back of the classroom.   The teacher called upon her.  She thought for a moment, stood up and said, “I want to be just like Oprah Winfrey, Black Diamond and Al Capone.”  The class guffawed and the teacher gasped.  Clearly she was making a mockery of the question.  ”Oprah I understand.  But why would you want to be like a STRIPPER and a CRIMINAL??!!  And what on earth could those 3 people possibly have in common with one another??  ”

The girl answered, “Well, I want to go from having absolutely nothing to making loads of money, have people wrapped around my finger just by walking into a room and at the end I want the world to ask ‘How the f#ck did she do that??’”.

The students were assigned to silent reading for the rest of the day.

 

Tele-quette

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Ramona writes:

Dear Deviled Angel,

My friend Angel is so annoying on the phone!!  Everytime I tell her I have to go she finds 3 other things to talk about.  It’s like she hears me and then bulldozes right past what I’ve said.  She’s a good person; but doesn’t have any respect for my precious time!!  I look at the phone sometimes and don’t want to answer it because she’s become that annoying friend I have to over-talk to.  She just doesn’t have good phone sense.  How do I fix this?

DEVIL’S RESPONSE:

Angels can be quite annoying—Sidebar.  You’re being too nice!  Say I gotta go and then just hang up!!  Don’t wait for an answer just hang up right in her time-disrespecting face.  Etiquette works on some people and doesn’t on others.   The next time you talk to her if she was offended by it say, “Bitch, I said I had to go!”

ANGEL’S RESPONSE:

I’m sure she means no harm.  But you need to tell her that you don’t want to hang up on her but you’ve really gotta go.  If she continues talking.  Say, “I’m sorry I’m out of time.  Call you later.” and hang up.  If you do that enough times she’ll get the picture.  If not then she may just be that friend that you have to politely hang up on everytime you talk.

Gossiping Grandma

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Beth writes:

Dear Deviled Angel!

Oh My God!  My grandmother is the biggest gossip in the world!!  She’s always running to her church friends and telling my business.  I swear she does it to get some kind of “Old People Cool Points”  but I’ve had it!!  She actually told the people in her Sunday School class that I’d had an abortion!!  Something I specifically told her I did not want her to repeat.  I swear I’m ready to strangle her even though I know she’s probably gonna die in a few years of old age anyway!  What the hell should I do???

DEVIL’S RESPONSE:

Well idiot.  First, STOP telling her stuff.  Second, you say to her, “Grandma I’ve had it with you running and telling all your graveyard friends at church my personal business.  And the next time you do it I swear I’m gonna strangle you until you die!! …  Now go tell your friends that!”

ANGEL’S RESPONSE:

Your grandma is probably guilty of what many parents and grandparents are guilty of: discounting the things that are important to younger people simply because they’re younger and it’s assumed they’ll “get over it.  That’s not fair and it’s not right!  You need to let your grandmother know that it’s not her right to know your business but when you share something with her it’s with a certain trust that she will keep things private when you ask her to.  If she cannot respect that then you simply should not share anything with her that you feel uncomfortable having her broadcast.  A word of caution:  old leopards don’t typically change their spots.

Baggin Breakdown!

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Justin writes:

Dear Deviled Angel,

My boy and I were baggin on each other and he said, “When you die they oughta bury you in the K-Mart parking lot so your soul can get run over by cars full of fat people for the rest of eternity!”  I stopped because that’s not a bag and I believe my boy got serious.  Now we’re beefin because he offended me.  Doesn’t that seem personal to you?

DEVIL’S RESPONSE:

Dear God (YES! God), Give me strength.  First of all that is the WHACKEST bag I have heard in all of eternity and your boy should literally teabag a wire hanger down the back of his throat and destroy his vocal chords so nothing else STUPID ever escapes his lips.  Ever!  Second, there are no feelings in the game of bagging.  You take whatever you are dished!  How much of a tulip do you sound like right now, dude??:  ”Aw he hurt my feelings because he got real..”  SO  #$%^$$@@##^%^  WHAT!!!!!!!  Third I need you to go to a gardening store, get some soil, put it in your underwear, plant some Coco de Mer in that soil and take really good care of them as they grow.  ”What are we growing, Devil?”, you ask.  ”Some bigger nuts my friend.  Some bigger nuts!!”

ANGEL’S RESPONSE:

I’m not a fan of bagging in the first place because it is just an excuse for people to say all the negative things they feel about each other in a very harsh way.  Both parties pretend it’s all in good fun but they walk away doubting themselves or their friendship.  Clearly you are not cut out for this game if you take things personally.  But if you and your friend were bold enough to enter into a game of bagging you should be bold enough to talk about it after if something bothers you.  Don’t let another day go by without reaching out to your friend.