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Posts tagged ‘hilarious’

Car Swap

Brett writes,

Dear Deviled Angel,

My dad is furious because the storm knocked some of the branches off a tree by our house and it broke his rearview mirror off and destroyed his windshield.  He says until he gets it fixed he’s gonna take my car.  That is so NOT fair!  He says since he bought it the car belongs to him so he can take it whenever he wants.  I told him to move his car before the storm hit but he didn’t so why should I be punished for his mistake??

DEVIL’S RESPONSE:

His dumb ass shoulda moved his car whether you told him to or not.  Everyone in the entire earth knew the storm was coming.  It’s only been all over the news and the topic of conversation for a week now!  Especially since you live in an area where the storm was supposed to hit there’s no acceptable excuse for dumb-old-dad not knowing.  I say break your car’s windshield and your rear-view mirror and then ask, “Who’s car you gonna take now, dad??!!”

ANGEL’S RESPONSE:

Clearly you should not be punished for his mistake!  And if he gave you the car as a gift then it should belong to you, no backsies.  However if you are living in his home and the car is in his name there’s really nothing you can do about it but try to reason with him.  If that doesn’t work maybe you can try to help earn the money to get his car fixed or better earn the money to buy your own car in your name so you won’t have to deal with this situation again.

Chris writes:

Dear Deviled Angel,

I’ve been with my company for nearly 3 years.  I consistently deliver and it has been unabashedly shared that our very quick success has in large part been due to my contributions.  A few months ago, I sat down with my boss to talk about a raise.  After several conversations (i.e. you absolutely deserve it, what would we have done without you), I received less than half of what I asked for.  And today I receive an email from my boss announcing 8 promotions, including someone who is not senior to me…  Really?!… No wait:  REALLY??!!  Before I set the building on fire then write my resigfuckingnation any suggestions, Oh Wise One?

DEVIL’S RESPONSE:

Yes!  And this is very important: you must write your resignation BEFORE you set the building on fire.  It makes no sense to char-grill the company and have everybody think it was a freak accident.  You have a point to make here!  I won’t tell you how to go about  burning down the house and rob you of your last contribution of creative genius to your oh-so-grateful company.  But I will offer three words of advice:  Gas, Oh, Lean!

ANGEL’S RESPONSE:

Unfortunately in the workforce just as in relationships people often tend to lose themselves; or at least their sense of value.  Your boss agreeing that you were instrumental in the success of the company but refusing to compensate you is akin to a boyfriend telling his girl she’s the best thing that ever happened to him but refusing to put a ring on it.  When you are brave enough approach your boss, let him know that in light of all that has happened you just don’t feel valued at the company and would like to amicably part ways to seek work in an environment where your skill set would be more appreciated.  Ask for a recommendation and simply take the stand of walking away (without burning down the building).  Just as in a relationship if you are truly an asset sooner or later you will be sorely missed.  At that time you can demand the raise you initially sought.  But be mentally and financially prepared in case that time never comes.  Trust your skill-set and have the confidence of knowing it can be useful somewhere else!

Take a Number

Korrine writes:

Dear Deviled Angel,

I was in a coffee shop the other day and a weirdo guy walked up to me and started talking NON-STOP.  He was totally in my personal space and didn’t seem to get it when I was throwing signals like fastballs for him to leave me alone.  Like he would say something and I’d mutter, “Uh huh, yeah sure” and turn my back on him like the scones were super interesting.  But he didn’t leave, DID NOT STOP TALKING  and even had the nerve to ask for my phone number.  I told him I didn’t give out my number but he could Facebook me, thinking that would make him go away.  It did… for like 5 minutes.  Then he returned WITH HIS COMPUTER asking why he couldn’t find me???  I just don’t know what to say to a guy I’m not interested in to get rid of him without being a total bitch!  Any suggestions.

DEVIL’S RESPONSE:

It’s not about being a bitch it’s about not bitchin’ up when it comes to taking care of business!!  First off grow a pair.  The next time somebody comes up all in your personal space trying to holler and get your number and you’re not digging him just say, “Look, Fudge-pack, talking to you is like zippin’ up my jeans and catching a tuft of pubes along the way!  So why the Eff– would I subject myself to further pain by opening the door for future conversation with you?!”  (**NOTE**:   not a single curse word was used in the formation of the quoted statement… yes I’m patting myself on the back).

ANGEL’S RESPONSE:

Well it’s always best to be straight forward yet polite.  A simple, “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”  Or “I’m really not interested, sorry.”  is a great start.  But to avoid explanation you could use the “I have a boyfriend and I don’t think he’d appreciate that…and no I don’t cheat” or “Look I’m very religious and I just don’t think that’s what Jesus would do” lines.  Then simply walk away thus leaving no room for discussion.

Jeb writes:

Dear Deviled Angel,

My girlfriend is dope.  But her breath smells like someone with crap on their shoes took a walk on her tongue.  She’s awesome in every other way.  But I’m tired of holding my breath when I kiss her.  It’s not a total deal breaker but it’s pretty close.  How do we fix this?

DEVIL’S RESPONSE:

My man here’s a little trivia for you:  A woman’s sense of smell is like 30% stronger than a man’s.  So if YOU’RE offended by your girlfriend’s breath she must be KILLING her girlfriends…if she has any.  If she does have girlfriends they hate her because no true girlfriend is gonna let you go see your man when your breath smells like dead babies…  But I digress… Here’s what you do.  Get her in private and say, “Look my love there’s obviously a shit-shoed step team stomping it out on your tongue.  And they’re really competing with our intimacy.   I love you too much to let them win so this is for your own good….”  Then pull out a Super Soaker filled with Listerine and Let. Her. Have. It.!!!

ANGEL’S RESPONSE:

Often people think halitosis is a result of not brushing enough.  But several factors could be at work:  1) Diet  2) Not eating at the right time  3) Sinus problems  4) Gum disease just to name a few.  The cure really depends on the cause.  Brushing twice a day, flossing and using a tongue scraper is the 1st thing to try.  If she’s doing that and halitosis is still a problem I suggest researching a really good dentist.  A dentist should be able to treat the halitosis or recommend a physician if the cause of the problem is out of his scope of expertise.  But helping your girlfriend through this process in lieu of abandoning her is truly a gift.