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Posts tagged ‘humor’

Johanna writes:

Dear Deviled Angel,

I met a girl in class about 2 weeks ago and she was funny and cool.  We hung out after class and were killing ourselves laughing.  So we hung out again the next day and before I knew it we’d hung out everyday that week.  When we weren’t hanging out we were texting.  After about a week it got to be a bit much for me since I normally don’t spend that much time with anybody.  Not even my boyfriend.  So I just kinda fell back a bit.  Here’s where it gets crazy.  She continued to text me and the texts started going from things like “Hey where’s my bestie?” to “WHY ARE YOU NOT ANSWERING ME??”.  What took the cake was someone called me and said she was a friend of Nedda’s (the creepy girl) from class and said Nedda told her to call me because she was worried about our friendship.  Is it just me or is it EXTREMELY creepy that this girl tried to have an intervention over a friendship that was only 2 weeks old?

DEVIL’S RESPONSE:

It ain’t just you, honey.  That sounds like some “Single (insert ethnicity here) Female” shit to me!  You need to tell somebody you know who lives close to you what’s going on in case homegirl shows up at your place looking just like you; busting your boyfriend in the eye with the silver heel of a stiletto and throwing your puppy out the window!

ANGEL’S RESPONSE:

Although it is natural for someone to feel a sense of abandonment when you establish a pattern and then suddenly veer from it the “red flag” on the play comes in with how Nedda’s handling her feelings.  In her mind perhaps she’s just being honest and letting you know how she really feels.  But it may come across to you as creepy or too intense.  The polite thing to do is tell her why you’ve chosen to take space from your friendship.  That may assuage some of her creepy behavior.  For her sake you also might want to tell her that the whole intervention and barrage of texts creeped you out.  She genuinely may not know that her behavior is stalker-esque.

Hands Off!

Felicia writes,

Dear Deviled Angel,

I love my boyfriend dearly.  I’m just not physically attracted to him anymore.  I love spending time with him, hanging out with him, talking to him; but everytime he comes near me for sex something inside me balls up.  I don’t want to lose him so I don’t want to break up but what do I do?  Should I suggest he sleep with someone else?

DEVIL’S RESPONSE:

Bitch, YES!!   Whether you suggest it or not if he’s smart he already is sleeping with someone else.. especially since he hasn’t left your frigid ass yet!  I don’t know why people think they can just keep someone around who thinks about sex at least twice an hour with some damn conversation!

ANGEL’S RESPONSE:

I have to say you may be being a bit selfish.  It sounds like you’re ready to be his friend and not his girlfriend.  Being his friend means that you can enjoy all the other benefits of a relationship without the expectation of physicality or sex…that is until he finds another girlfriend who shuts that right down.  If he can’t handle being just your friend that is a risk you’ll have to take.  But it’s not fair to hold him hostage if you’re not fully into the relationship (provided sex is important to him).

 

Felicia writes:

Dear Deviled Angel,

I have a hopeless friend who’s often drunk and I really believe she has a serious drinking problem.  She’s a very aggressive person and I am seriously non-confrontational.  Well she came over to my house last week and of course was drunk.  I didn’t want her to come over but I was afraid to say no.  We were sitting on opposite sofas and suddenly she moves over to my sofa, moves my things from the cushion next to me and plops down.  Her breath was reeking of alcohol and I wanted to throw up.  She started talking about how she wanted to be a better friend to me then she tried to KISS me!  I leapt across the room and said, “NO”.  She started drunk-crying and apologizing and then she left.  We haven’t spoken since.  And I don’t want to be friends with her anymore.  What do I do?

DEVIL’S RESPONSE:

Call her and tell her you joined  a super right-winged Christian church, bought stock in Chic-Fil-A and are planning a move to the Bible Belt to become an evangelist … So unfortunately you can no longer be her friend.

ANGEL’S RESPONSE:

I say let sleeping dogs lie.  If you no longer wish to be her friend there’s no need to smooth things over.  You two haven’t spoken in a week so as long as she doesn’t reach out to you don’t reach out to her.  If she does reach out to you tap into that same power that found your voice to say “NO” when she made a pass at you and use it to explain that you feel uncomfortable being her friend.  Remember you have a right to decide who is in your life and who is not.  Having to deal with uncomfortable situations such as confrontation can be frightening but you have to decide if that moment of “stage fright” in confronting her is worth freeing yourself of a friendship in which you feel afraid to say how you feel and have to protect yourself physically from this person.  I would deal with the stage fright and get it over with.

Car Swap

Brett writes,

Dear Deviled Angel,

My dad is furious because the storm knocked some of the branches off a tree by our house and it broke his rearview mirror off and destroyed his windshield.  He says until he gets it fixed he’s gonna take my car.  That is so NOT fair!  He says since he bought it the car belongs to him so he can take it whenever he wants.  I told him to move his car before the storm hit but he didn’t so why should I be punished for his mistake??

DEVIL’S RESPONSE:

His dumb ass shoulda moved his car whether you told him to or not.  Everyone in the entire earth knew the storm was coming.  It’s only been all over the news and the topic of conversation for a week now!  Especially since you live in an area where the storm was supposed to hit there’s no acceptable excuse for dumb-old-dad not knowing.  I say break your car’s windshield and your rear-view mirror and then ask, “Who’s car you gonna take now, dad??!!”

ANGEL’S RESPONSE:

Clearly you should not be punished for his mistake!  And if he gave you the car as a gift then it should belong to you, no backsies.  However if you are living in his home and the car is in his name there’s really nothing you can do about it but try to reason with him.  If that doesn’t work maybe you can try to help earn the money to get his car fixed or better earn the money to buy your own car in your name so you won’t have to deal with this situation again.

Justin writes:

Dear Deviled Angel,

My boy and I were baggin on each other and he said, “When you die they oughta bury you in the K-Mart parking lot so your soul can get run over by cars full of fat people for the rest of eternity!”  I stopped because that’s not a bag and I believe my boy got serious.  Now we’re beefin because he offended me.  Doesn’t that seem personal to you?

DEVIL’S RESPONSE:

Dear God (YES! God), Give me strength.  First of all that is the WHACKEST bag I have heard in all of eternity and your boy should literally teabag a wire hanger down the back of his throat and destroy his vocal chords so nothing else STUPID ever escapes his lips.  Ever!  Second, there are no feelings in the game of bagging.  You take whatever you are dished!  How much of a tulip do you sound like right now, dude??:  ”Aw he hurt my feelings because he got real..”  SO  #$%^$$@@##^%^  WHAT!!!!!!!  Third I need you to go to a gardening store, get some soil, put it in your underwear, plant some Coco de Mer in that soil and take really good care of them as they grow.  ”What are we growing, Devil?”, you ask.  ”Some bigger nuts my friend.  Some bigger nuts!!”

ANGEL’S RESPONSE:

I’m not a fan of bagging in the first place because it is just an excuse for people to say all the negative things they feel about each other in a very harsh way.  Both parties pretend it’s all in good fun but they walk away doubting themselves or their friendship.  Clearly you are not cut out for this game if you take things personally.  But if you and your friend were bold enough to enter into a game of bagging you should be bold enough to talk about it after if something bothers you.  Don’t let another day go by without reaching out to your friend.

Mail-A-Mate

Markis writes:

Dear Deviled Angel,

I keep running into the same type of women.  I don’t know what it is?!?!?!  They are bossy and controlling and real opinionated!  I try to treat them like ladies I buy them nice things take them to nice dinners and give them lots of attention but they just turn into these witches  who always have some rebuttal when I speak to them and then I have to get rid of them.  How do I find a woman a little more quiet and easy to deal with.

DEVIL’S RESPONSE:

I don’t know you or the ladies you deal with but from your letter is seems you’re the type that likes to be in control.  If you want someone you can boss around, control and who has no opinion I suggest you go to www.mailorderbride.com and pick from the yearbook of scared foreign women who need visas.  They come already submissive.  Happy hunting!

ANGEL’S RESPONSE:

Whenever we are confronted with the same type of person in a new relationship it’s because there is a lesson we didn’t learn the last time we were in a similar relationship.  Ask yourself, “Did I have any regrets about the way I handled myself last time I was here?”  ”Would I have done anything differently?”  If the answer is “yes” try it in the new situation.  If the answer is “no” perhaps you need to re-evaluate because the universe disagrees.  Consider these situations as exams that you have to keep taking over and over until you pass.

 

Say My Name!

Effin writes:

Dear Deviled Angel,

My boyfriend won’t sleep with me.  I know he’s not cheating because he works all the time and when he’s not working he’s at home with me.  We live together and I haven’t noticed any suspicious behavior like, change in cologne or underwear or him coming home late except once a week when he and the guys from work get together for boy’s night out (and I’ve met them so I know it’s all guys).  So what’s the problem??

DEVIL’S RESPONSE:

Wait!.. Your name is Effin?!?…  Really?!?  As in:  ”Yes your man is Effin cheatin’ on you!”? , “He’s probably cheating with one of those Effin  guys from his little Boys’ Night Tickle-Fight Club!!”? or “Are you Effin kidding me?!  You can’t be this naive!!”? …  And wait.. do your friends call you “Eff” for short?  As in:  ”What the Eff must you look like for your man to live with you and NEVER want to hit it?”?, “Why the Eff would you put up with not getting any??” or “How the Eff did this girl miss the memo that men think about sex twice an hour and if they’re not getting it at home they’re damn sure getting it somewhere else?”?  Well I don’t know what to tell you about your guy but if my name was Effin I wouldn’t be so worried about my boyfriend screwing me…Your parents screwed you enough!

ANGEL’S RESPONSE:

Have you asked your boyfriend what the problem is.  Often we take ourselves through such unnecessary stress over our relationships because we spend so much time analyzing and rationalizing on our own instead of simply asking our partner.  If you don’t feel like you can ask/talk about it that in itself is a problem.  In these times when the economy is still getting it’s sea legs mental stress and worry often prove to be the culprit of the decline in sexual connection in many relationships (not another woman/man!).  If there is something going on then you have to decide if that’s the situation you want to be in.  But having your needs continue to go unmet in a relationship is not healthy for you.

Camille Writes:

Dear Deviled Angel,

I have 2 best friends Francis and Jayde.  Well Francis recently came clean and told me that she’d caught Jayde making out with my boyfriend.  Francis was furious with Jayde and told her off.  Jayde claimed she felt really bad, promised not to do it again and made Francis swear not to tell me.  Well Francis caught them on the phone one other time after that and Jayde tried to play it off like it was about class.  And the last straw was when Francis stopped by Jayde’s dorm room and heard my boyfriend’s voice.  When she knocked they pretended no one was home.  I was hurt at first that Francis didn’t tell me but I’m over that.  Now I just want revenge!

DEVIL’S RESPONSE:

<smug sigh>.. You have come to the right place my friend..   Tell your friend Francis to help you carry out this plan:  Call Jayde crying saying you think your boyfriend is cheating on you, you’re thinking of breaking up with him and you need girl-time to talk about it.  Ask her to pick you up.  Tell her to call Francis and bring her along (that way she’s not suspicious).  Francis should make sure Jayde drives her own car.  You sit in the back seat behind Jayde and let Francis ride shotgun.  Tell them you want to go to a park or somewhere you can cry and not have a bunch of people staring at you.  When you get to the park break down crying hysterically in the back seat.  Of course your girlfriends will rush to your aid.  Make sure Francis knows to fall back and let Jayde be the one to hug you.  When Jayde goes to hug you grab her hair in your fist and twist her around so the back of her head is facing you.  Have Francis grab her arms and hold her while you close the car-door shut on her hair, take the keys, jump out of the car and lock the doors.  Now Jayde should be stuck in the back car door by her hair with no way of opening the door to get free because you’ve locked it.  Take her keys and throw them into the bushes/woods somewhere and tell Jayde everything you know.  This is obviously the end of your friendship and she’ll know it.  Then you and Francis leave (obviously you should have yours or Francis’s car pre-parked somewhere close by) and let her sit there uncomfortably to think about what she’s done.

ANGEL’S RESPONSE:

Invite your boyfriend and Jayde to lunch without letting one know the other is coming (someplace where there are booths).  Have Francis come in shortly after them and sit in another booth where she can hear everything but not be seen by either of them.   Talk casually as if you know nothing until after they order their food.  Then when the food comes tell them everything you know.  When they deny it have Francis come over to call them out.  Tell them how sad they are and that you want nothing to do with either of them and just leave with Francis.  You know you’re better off without people like that in your life.

Melissa writes:

Dear Deviled Angel,

I was hired to work on a project under a woman (Kate) who was obviously not familiar with the work that needed to be done for the project.  I did a great job and everyone loved my work.  Well I got wind of another project that was coming up right after mine ended and Kate was being very secretive about the information for the project so I got close to the executives so I could find out more.  Well it turns out it was another project that my skill set was perfect for!  So I told the executives that I wanted to do the job and if there was any way I could help Kate or just be a part of the project I would love to.  Well it turns out they decided to hire me for the project instead.  So I went from being under her to replacing her.  I feel like we’re all on the same team and it’s about making the vision come to life.  So I reached out to her several times and told her I have her back for anything she needs.  I’ve said it to her a dozen times and she refuses to respond.  So what do I do?  I think it’s childish.

DEVIL’S RESPONSE:

GOT dammit I knew it <knee-slap>.  You don’t have her back!  You’re a back-stabbing bitch!!  No wonder she was being secretive with the information because she probably sensed your conniving right from the start.  When you jump in the ring of “getting ahead by stabbing people in the back” you don’t hold your position for very long because there’s always someone waiting on the side for the perfect opportunity to stab you in yours.  And one day the tables are gonna turn and you’ll need her.  And I hope she sets you on fire and refuses to even pee on you!  Figuratively of course.

ANGEL’S RESPONSE:

From her perspective it could seem as if you took her job right from under her or that you went over her head.  Which in essence (at least the latter) is what you did.  To write to her and say “I have your back” is a bit oxymoronic.  So she probably feels very betrayed.  Would you want to speak to someone who’s betrayed you?  Even if you were right/better  for the job there is always a way to handle things so as not to burn a bridge.  The thing to do would have been to talk to her about what happened  and why you did what you did.  But it seems you’ve brushed it under the rug and feel she should move on as well.  If you want any kind of relationship with this woman you have to deal with the effects of your actions on her and perhaps apologize.  Conduct yourself in business the way you’d want someone to conduct themselves with you.  Things are ever changing in business and you wouldn’t want to face the wrath of someone you’ve stepped on in your upward climb.

Batter Up!

Marcai writes:

Dear Deviled Angel,

My husband attack me and not sure what to do!  I’ve never have this problem with him before and it come from nowhere!!  We are together 4 years and have 2 children and he always take very good care of us.  I don’t want to leave and be alone with kids.  But I don’t want to be attack again.  Please help me.

DEVIL’S RESPONSE:

Write this down so you don’t miss a step. Send the kids to a neighbor or sitter for the evening so the two of you can work this out.  Go out and buy 2 bottles of good scotch.  Tonight when he comes home.  Make him a nice dinner and keep his scotch glass full (at least 3 glasses and put a sleeping pill in the last glass!).  Apologize to him for making him hurt you.  Tell him you want to be a better wife.  Run him a bath and give him another 2 glasses of scotch (make sure you pour more in the glass each time).  Take him to bed and offer him a massage along with another, bigger glass of scotch.  Make sure he’s lying in the center of the bed on a sheet so he’s comfortable.Turn the lights down low.. light some candles.. soft music.. you know make it really romantic.  When he falls asleep gently gather the edges of the sheet taco-style and sew them together carefully with a needle and thread leaving no open spaces.  Pour baby oil on the floor all around the bed leaving a path for yourself to the door.   Blow out the candles, turn the music up to full blast, then get a bat and beat his mother-f*cking ASS.  Make sure you use the path you’ve left yourself amidst the baby oil to escape.

ANGEL’S RESPONSE:

I cannot in good faith advise you to stay.  If someone attacks you and you stay it makes it easier for the incident to occur again.  Usually there are signs leading up to physical violence (i.e. emotional/mental/verbal abuse).  For your safety I would find a friend/loved one you trust to stay with for a few days along with your children until you can get a better handle on things.  There are also battered women’s shelters that could advise you on steps you could take.  But please do not carry on as usual and sweep this under the rug.  That will not solve the problem.  Anyone who resorts to physical violence as an adult needs professional help.